Thursday, 15 August 2013

Happy Pills

Not blogged in a while, and 'ere's how come. A colleague told me the other day that I have over the last few months become rather uncommunicative, out of it, and that I 'look worried all the time'. I thought, well, of course I bloody do. Stands to reason: anybody who isn't worried all the time is not fully apprised of the utter desperateness of the situation. On more mature reflection, I realised that this must in fact mean that other people are not worried all the time and most likely don't feel under permanent threat. This is what I've accepted as the dominant state of my mind for a long time, as one who resigns himself to bad weather. After a while, you just stop noticing it. The same colleague suggested I might consider getting some anti-depressants. I ummed and ahhed over that. The last lot of anti-depressants I had 25 years ago did nothing but dehydrate me, and I slung them down the bog after two weeks of having a mouth like a woollen mitten and passing stool like broken glass. But I've had ten days of boiling anxiety that has prevented me sleeping and eating, and decided I'd better make an appointment.

'How are you?' the GP asks heartily as I enter the presence. This is his little iatric joke. You provide the knee-jerk rejoinder 'fine thanks' and he says 'well, what are you doing here, then? Arf arf.' I suppose it brightens up an evening looking at diseased bodies, if that's what he actually does. I've noticed that British GPs these days don't do physical examinations. I'd expected that he'd take my blood pressure and check on the heart, given the symptoms I'd described, but he ordered some blood tests to be done next week, gave me a prescription for some happy pills, and I left, feeling that my physical presence had not been strictly necessary. We could have done the whole thing by e-mail.

I read the leaflet in my new box of Mirtazapine. (Mirtaza Pine - sounds like incense.) Side effects include rapid weight gain, lethargy, dizziness, vivid dreams, desire to commit suicide, hives, desire to self-harm, confusion and anxiety - this last the very thing I'm taking them to assuage, and the most common side-effect. AND YOU CAN'T DRINK ALCOHOL!!! So I'm eyeing them, wondering whether to start taking them or not. I cannot afford to be confused, anxious, lethargic or dead, as we are maniacally busy at work, and I've been confused and lethargic enough lately. Maybe I'll leave them untouched until September, when there's time to see what they'll do to me without involving others.     


CJB said...

How very horrid for you. Anxiety is vile, more so because something deep down tells us it's all for nothing......How can you even contemplate happy pills that won't let you drink? That's insane! Get different ones, but the side effects will be the same, for some reason anti-depressants all warn of the possible increase in suicidal tendencies, anxiety and self-harming. Go figure. Any venting, or raving to be done,
feel free to vent and/or rant.

Vilges Suola said...

I dunno. These are supposed to help you sleep - I thought that sounded good, knit the old raveled sleeve of care, an that. But I don't want to get fat(ter)or be a dozy git.

Bo said...

Oh dear! So sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Anxiety can be very debilitating and horrifically draining. Sending every good wish---

Vilges Suola said...

Thanks so much, Mark; all good wishes most gratefully received and reciprocated!

Deiniol said...

Sounds dreadful! Best wishes from here as well!

For what it's worth, over the years I have not encountered a single anti-depressent which does not warn one most ominously not to drink alcohol in the associated leaflet. Happily, however, trial and error has shown me that nine times out of ten this can be safely ignored as long as one is not in the habit of sinking a couple of pints of vodka a night.

(Unfortunately, I did always find that they made me fat.)

Vilges Suola said...

Thanks! I did suspect that the alcohol thing might be just conventional. I cant afford to risk being tired and confused, though, at least not for the coming 4 weeks.


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