Saturday, 14 November 2009

Praise Ye the God of Wood

If you are tempted by internet porn and so fear for your immortal soul, rejoice and be exceeding glad, for help is at hand. We are indebted to the saintly Reverend Ackeroff at Unthinking Anglicans for this good news. Covenant Eyes is a competitively priced software package that will warn you if you are about to open a porn site. The most up-to-date versions will simultaneously cause your laptop to zap six hundred volts through your scrotum. Thus if you notice there is a website called, and are curious as to what it could be (‘Lock Sand Cocks’???) Covenant Eyes will warn you that this is a porn site and then make damn sure you don't enter it, or ever consider entering it thereafter.

Actually no, sorry, it doesn’t. I made all that up. What in fact it does is more sinister. It records all the websites you visit, then e-mails a report every so often to persons of your choosing. You can arrange for your pastor, boss, buddies, students, wife, mother, or anybody you want, to be bombarded with detailed reports of your browsing habits, so they can keep constant tabs on you. This is to keep you pure, or at least contrite.

Honey, I guess I’m kinda disappointed Satan made you visit bull dykes and dildoes again, but only six times this month, so praise the Lord! I really do like so feel privileged that you gifted me with these five-hundred page bulletins every week. See, with God and the software, you can be strong!

Yours in Jesus,


(P.S., hon, for an additional fee, could they make the fonts bigger? I'm getting eye strain. )

With all these people eagerly perusing your surfing reports for mention of bum, tit and dick, praying for you and ticking you off, you are forced to be accountable. Of course you can disable the software any time you'd prefer not to be.

There is a Covenant Eyes blog, ‘Breaking Free’, full of deeply moving stories of how men who couldn’t get enough porn were delivered from their obsession after installing the software for a very reasonable sum, payable monthly. The company aims to grab the consciences and wallets that species of competitive male Christian that sees a man's life as a constant battle between virtue and temptation, and in order to hook such men, it presents us with some heroic, hairy-chested stuff:

‘When I was young, the first time I read the temptation story in Matthew’s Gospel, one clear impression stood out in my mind: this is a showdown; it is like an epic battle of good vs. evil. As I read, it was like watching a gripping movie…’

When you let temptation win, boy, do you feel far away from that male bonding with the Lord!

‘I remember when I was buried deep in porn addiction: it seemed each day was a fight to avoid the inevitable. At the time I didn’t understand why my body would seem to take control. There were so many nights I would walk zombie-like to Internet porn or phone sex in search of my fix.’

The value of the service that Covenant Eyes provides - and at such affordable prices, too - is easily appreciated when we consider the damage done to the hearts and minds of men who develop 'internet Porn Onanistic Disorder', or iPod:

“. . . I didn’t recognize I had an addiction until I had surgery and masturbation wasn’t an option for fifteen days. On day three, I was literally shaking, and I began to connect the dots. Other symptoms: irritability, inability to focus (’staring at walls syndrome’), mood swings, headaches (sometimes quite strong), sense of pressure in my genitals, flashbacks, paranoia, self-defeating thinking, depression, hopelessness, and fear that I will never have sex because I’ve learned no social skills since diving into porn eight years ago as a teen.”

As may easily be concluded from this, indulgence in pornography may lead to outbursts of extreme Drama Queenery, even among the straight. (By the way, Covenant Eyes, staring at walls is not a syndrome, even if you stare at more than one wall.)

The image of sexual desire as a gluttonous beast that will attack unless kept shackled, blinkered and starved is a common one among Christers. The site ('Reaching for Teenage Boys' - the site owner sounds quite an innocent) aims to reassure adolescent lads on all manner of problems they might encounter when growing up. Bodily changes are dealt with matter-of-factly, but the author sends out such mixed messages on the topic of masturbation that any kid reading this stuff is likely to be seriously confused or, better and more likely, to simply junk the site.

‘It is a balancing act for every male: Every teenage boy has fantasies and lusts and will explore the connection between these, their sexual nature and masturbation…The more frequently you masturbate, the more fantasy you require to get an orgasm each time. [Sez who? You're making this stuff up!] This option becomes a vicious circle - the more you feed your lust, the more it demands to be fed! Ideally, you should aim to delay masturbation until the hormonal pressure builds inside you, then, very little, or ideally, no fantasy at all is required to produce ejaculation!’

That paragraph fills me with the desire to take the writer by the ears and bash his head repeatedly against a concrete floor. It’s OK to pull your cock, BUT you must wait until you can hardly hold back, and then splat, it’s over in seconds and no more pleasurable (though less messy) than a bowel movement. No enjoyment is permitted, or even envisaged, of an activity unique to humans, with their ability to refine their pleasures and cultivate the imagination. No encouragement is given to a young man's exploration of present solitary pleasure and its application to potential joys with a future partner. He is advised to be as cold-blooded and oblivious as a fish squirting sperm into the water.

'Let's see if we can create a few...'

Being an Evangelical Christian must be rather like spending a lifetime holding your breath. Here is one Tim Challies, author of Sexual Detox, a title that immediately gives you some idea of Tim's view of sex.

‘This is the very nature of sin, isn’t it? Sin is always progressive in nature. If you give it an inch, it soon seeks to take a mile. Sin is never content, but always seeks and desires more. Have you ever been scared by your sin? Perhaps there was a time that you saw how a particular sin was taking you over. Maybe you had thought you were in control of your sin but suddenly found that, almost in an instant, it had increased to the next level.’

I often think many problems would disappear if only people would stop talking. To become possessed by demons, you must first believe in the possibility of demonic possession. Once you have been persuaded that jerking off and looking at porn is a sin and an addiction that is taking over your life, you have bought into this discourse and porn sites and Christian sites will work together to feed your guilt for as long as you buy their line. Why not just drop the ‘sin’ nonsense and see porn as an appetizer, a wank as a pleasant work-out for the imagination and the male plumbing, then mop up and go and mow the lawn or finish grouting the bathroom?


Bo said...

These people are insane.

vilges suola said...

I hope their presence on the internet gives an exaggerated impression of their number.

Anonymous said...

I wish I had thought of charging a fee to keep people from sin.

vilges suola said...

Give it a go. There's one born again every minute.

Michael said...

That is incredibly hilarious. I'm going to sign up to have notifications sent to my best friend, who knows me better than I do. LOL

Do you hate it too?
"If you're going through Hell, keep going."

vilges suola said...

Yep, it's hilarious, but they MEAN it! Beware!

Mr. HCI said...

I just checked that Boys Under Attack website you linked. Holy moly, what a load of nonsense!

vilges suola said...

Isn't it just. Dangerous nonsense, moreover. What does the idiot that writes it know about homosexuality? Fuck all. Yet he spouts all that religious crap in the belief that he is helping young boys instead of screwing them up or turning them into benighted wingnuts like himself.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

I've always thought that a weekly bash on the todger was a good way to finish off a shower. Even though I'm married, it makes a nice sort of clean and civilised difference to the usual sweaty grunting stuff.

Of course, gay sex IS a sin, and you'll be reminded of this when you reach heaven - or is it hell?

vilges suola said...

Weekly? Is that all? 'Is marriage so demoralising as that?'

Anonymous said...

Marriage is very demoralising in every way.
But I do have basically the same question for the TEFL Tradesman... only once a week ???


vilges suola said...

Yeah. I'm a 3 a day man at 50. I could beat most 14 year olds. As it were.


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