By popular request, we now run a course for Saudi ladies only. A minibus picks up these creatures of concealment from their homes and returns them thither after the lesson, that they occasion no sin on public transport. The glass panel of their classroom door is papered over so that no man is driven to a frenzy of lust through witnessing an exposed tooth or nostril. Yeah, yeah, I know, but it brings in the punters and keeps three teachers this side of penury, so I’m not knocking it.
I was sitting at my computer this morning when the course director came in carrying a plastic watering can. It was not for watering the plants, as one might reasonably suppose, but had apparently been residing in a cubicle of the ladies’ toilets, where it had served for laving the Saudi ladies’ butts and accounted for the great puddles that flowed under the door.
I’ve been thinking about this all day. We are not talking the kind of thirteen-litre job you’d use on your allotment, obviously: this is an altogether more delicate affair for houseplants, but really, why a watering can? I can think of half a dozen handier vessels for the purpose - one being a small mineral water bottle which I use myself, being sympathetic to the idea of washing afterwards. If you are hazy about Allah's rules in this regard, here are a few:
People would bring water for Muhammad to use in cleaning himself after answering the call of nature. Alternatively, he would use stones to clean himself. Three stones would be brought for his use. He specified that an odd number of stones, at least three, should always be used to clean one's private parts. The number of wipes is also to be an odd number. Muhammad specifically said that bone or dried animal feces are not to be used to clean oneself because these things are food for the jinn or, alternatively, because such fecal matter is filthy. Furthermore, the right hand is not to be used for cleaning oneself after defecating or when touching one's penis.
Even the very wipes of your bum are all numbered. Whether you should use igneous, sedimentary or metamorphic rock, or perhaps one of each, is not specified, nor does the hadith address how to treat the sore bow-leggedness that must result from wiping your arse with chunks of stone.
Should you be anxious to comply to the letter with religious urinary and defecatory laws, go here for a comprehensive treatment, but be warned that eliminating will probably become a full-time job.