Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Porno II



Not a student in sight until Monday. I had been looking forward to a few days without work and especially without trains, but in the event I am going stir-crazy after only a day and a half, so naturally I decided to have a look at some Russian gay porn sites on your behalf. This is porn to turn you off, anti-erotica, Bonjela for the phallus. Think of Lady Chatterley's Liver, Vicks-scented massage oil and inflatable Joseph Ratzinger dolls. The photos on these sites are unstimulating affairs in which anorexic-looking gay-for-pay young men play with each others’ bums and willies with all the enthusiasm of prisoners slopping out. These anaphrodisiac proceedings are shot in rooms of surpassing drabness, usually done out with grubby flock wallpaper that recalls damp provincial Indian restaurants, and sofas in fecal brown and beige. Epic fail, therefore, for this is weeny-shrinking stuff from people whose primary concern should be NOT shrinking weenies. To find any entertainment value on these pages, you have to ignore the photos and read the texts that try to seduce you into parting with money to join the site. Addled memories of words, misuse of dictionaries, confusion of registers, ignorance of connotation: it’s almost like being back at work.


In the sad, twilight world of homosexuals, middle-aged men meet in secret locations to gratify their urges on innocent Boy Scouts with cute nipples and treasure trails. As is plain from this repugnant photograph, so intent are these men upon satisfying their lusts that no thought is given to the choice of carpet, furnishings or light fittings.

Just tell me, have you ever wanted to watching really raw medically checkup pictures featuring fuckable carnivore doctor explore his male patients purple katana?’* Not personally, no, but if your answer is yes, this site is for you, because ‘sultry really degrading doctor is going to tickle next male patient of his.Tickle him? That sounds a bit tame for a sultry degrading fuckable doctor, but things promise to hot up, as ‘defiling doctor lines with twink and shag them.' That's OK, then. 'Come and see nude boys and males get coarse together!’ I'll pass on that, if I may: it sounds like a rugby club dinner. All this tickling, defiling and coarseness appears to be taking place in the bedroom of a Morecambe boarding house about forty years ago. You can just smell the Colgate toothpaste, Palmolive soap and that inexplicable odour of breadcrumbs. Nothing to stiffen the, um, resolve here: click another link.

Here are Jirik and Milos, two boys who fancy one another and spend all day having it away. 'Lascivious boys have men's copulation together. Smooching boys start bare and pet their phalluses.' They have the odd break for a bite to eat and then get back to ‘kissing, hummer and bump uglies every another.’ This won't do. Gay men are united in their esteem for the noble cock, so 'bump uglies' is a truly wretched choice of idiom, given such an audience. The naff décor of the boys' quarters is probably rendered even more objectionable by the end of the day because ‘Milos pounded the shit out of Jirik`s fine anus. The apartment was in shambles from this all day ride the baloney-pony heavily built orgy’. Dear, dear. Never mind, though, because ‘the guys were happily spent’ as who would not be, after such exertions as ‘having their butts turned into lumps of red, seductive, swollen penial seasoning rocket.

Penial seasoning is obviously a translation of a phrase for ‘a load’ as we may deduce from this description of Raphael and Eric’s couplings: ‘when Raphael gets to the point of no return he shoots a very big penial seasoning all over Eric's face.’ It really doesn't capture the masculine joy of ejaculation, though, does it, that bathetic characterisation of Raphael's load as ‘very big’? It sounds more like congratulating a toddler for something he's done in his potty. A slightly better attempt perhaps is: ‘once Raphael gets to the point of no return he shoots a very big jizz-o-frizz all over Eric's pretty face.’ That sounds a bit jollier, even if ‘Jizz-o-Frizz’ could be something you spray from a can at parties, or on classroom windows at Christmas. Other attempts to gain verbal purchase on the intensity of male jouissance are rather regrettable: ‘he just lovers to bust a semen’? Sounds uncomfortable, and ‘he can't wait to squirt a warmed-up cum’ sounds as erotic as flicking bogies.

Raphael, incidentally, sounds like a bit of a cretin, because his mate Eric ‘starts off by giving him a brain to get his juices droplet.

I have remained unmoved, therefore, by these Russian overtures to my libido and I really must find more productive things to do with this time of enforced leisure. Like look for a job… move house yet again... back to teaching for peanuts. For the moment I can’t face it.

*****

*Katana: Japanese longsword with single edge and slight curvature. Used here as a metaphor for the penis. You must picture the lad with a flat, shiny dick that's two feet long. A katana is silver, but here we must see it as purple. I personally cannot call to mind a cock or a sword after all this.


5 comments:

Nik_TheGreek said...

lol... nice description.

Bo said...

Oh dear. Try googling [your favourite turn on + tumblr] and see what comes up.

Failing that I find 'Jonas Armstrong naked' does it for me. Or some of the more recent pictures of an improbably hairy-legged Tom Daley. If I'm really stuck I fall back on Charlie Hunnam.

Vilges Suola said...

T.D. is cute, most especially with the hairy legs.

stan said...

It's always a pleasure reading u, taht is amazing,a 90 yo lady told me that the most important sex organ is the brain. even if I don't totally agree with, I suppose a nice syntax more exiting to me than whatever else. I hope my bad english does make sense. so u can image how sexy I am ahahhahahaah !!!!!!!

Vilges Suola said...

Well, without a brain there'd be little point in having a cock, so I suppose she was right.

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