Saturday, 21 May 2011

Rapture Postponed

The Rapture did not happen after all, then, this time. Just like 1994 - we were all prayered up with nowhere to go. All those people who returned their library books, stopped the milk, cancelled the papers and gave away their life savings in expectation of being swept aloft to meet the Lord in the air by 1800 hours local time today, have remained on Earth with the ungodly - bookless, milkless, paperless, broke. This, I suppose, renders all the more unlikely the End of the World on October 21st. Ah, it all seemed so assured, Mr Camping's formula so elegant! See, the Flood was 6023 years from the Creation, and Jesus was born 11,006 years from the Creation, and since a year is as a thousand years for the Lord, it was a foregone conclusion that being 7000 years from the Flood, the Last day would be October 21st 2011. Mr Camping pointed out that none of this would make sense to anyone who did not have faith. We, though, are strong in faith! It stood to reason! Watertight, we thought! We were wrong.

So, it is with regret that we must own that somewhere in that calculation, there's a tiny glitch that we must prayerfully seek to iron out. I prayed my way into this, and the Lord inspired me. Maybe Satan skewed things somewhat when he made gay marriage legal in Iceland on June 11, 2010? After all, June 11 is 6/11, and when you think about it, that's only three digits off the fateful date of 9/11, and three is the number of the Trinity, and May 21st is 5/21, if you read it as five divided by twenty-one, makes 0.23809524, which you have to admit looks on the face of it like a dead give-away for an ETA of 15th February 2013. The Lord is teaching us humility here, though. Our thoughts are not His thoughts. He is reminding us of our sin nature, admonishing us for our presumption. The campaign We Can Know ought to have been more modestly titled: 'We Are A Bunch Of Credulous, Fuck-Witted Numpties', perhaps. Lord, look favourably upon us: it's really quite cool how humble we're being.

Below is a blasphemous video that mocks the End Time prophets. Listen with prayer and try not to laugh, for though the Lord has tarried yet again, we are revising our calculations for The Day of His Inevitable Return.*


* Camping has admitted that he misinterpreted the Bible and that May 21 was not really the end of the world but the 'spiritual beginning of the physical end.' The physical end still comes on October 21st, so if you gave away your life savings, sold your house or knifed your kids in expectation of the Rapture and the Tribulation, you only have to live with the consequences for less than half a year. 'Were not changing a date at all; we're just learning that we have to be a little more spiritual about this,' he says, meaning don't consider claiming any earthly damages from the rotten old scumbag. In The Daily Mail article I linked to, Camping's followers come up with all the post hoc rationalisations I took the piss out of in the above post, so perhaps I have a future as a prophet.

Some of the fallout from the whole lunatic business is really not so funny.


Fionnchú said...

Now all I have to look forward to is Dec. 23, 2012. By another celestial reckoning. It's not 6 p.m. here yet, but as none of my t.v. shows have been interrupted by news of tsunami warnings from the Pacific (the apocalypse was to have commenced 6 p.m. New Zealand time as the Deity was coordinating His wrath with the 24-hour roll-out date neatly, globally), well, I guess the post-Rapture orgies promised are off.

Vilges Suola said...

I was not invited to any orgies, so I am not disappointed. The whole 'We Can Know' thing had very little impact here: one more sign of God's lack of communication skills. Where in the Bible is there any mention of time zones, I wonder?


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