Thursday, 9 September 2010

Geek Required


If any passing geek has a moment, I’d be grateful. I have a Sony Vaio laptop, which the patronising acned twink in Dixons said had Triple-X Bipolar Troglodytes and an 8/11 N.B.G. compurgation boscage, so we’re looking at a winnowing capacity in excess of sixty hours per half-life, representing great value for money. Your cheaper models, they can’t give you that.

‘Goodness!’ I said, ‘I’ll take it, and here’s a pound, get yourself some deodorant.’

My Sony is approaching five years old now, by no means past it but reaching that time of life when you might want to be taking it that bit easier. Where once it sprinted, it tends to mosey, and although I shouldn’t, I do get to blasphemous screeching point with it almost every day. The wind-up goes like this:

I rouse it from hibernation, and although the little icon thingy in the bottom right hand corner says the broadband is connected and the signal excellent, the browser will not connect to the internet. So I restart.

The restart takes an age. This is usually about 5.30 in the morning, and I sit watching that bloody egg-timer with the World Service on the radio, as the shipping forecast, the news bulletin and Prayer for Today burble on while nothing happens. I could crochet a new toilet-roll cosy or read an improving book, I suppose, but not at that hour of the morning, for Christ’s sake. Just as Farming Today comes on, the egg-timer vanishes and I get in there quick and open Firefox, which takes another five minutes. Once Firefox is open, I try to look at this blog page, which takes another four or five minutes to load. At some point, the CPU usage hits 100%. NOW I can see that there’s a svchost.exe hogging all the computer juice. I click ‘end process’, which I am advised not to do, but it feels satisfying, like thwacking a cockroach with a rolled-up newspaper. A brief pandemonium ensues; the screen goes blank, toolbars alter their hue, distant howling is heard and circumambient objects are borne aloft, then everything settles down and the laptop goes like the clappers for the rest of my browsing session.

So, from switching on to getting down to browsing is often taking a good twenty-five minutes, from the shipping forecast to the start of the ‘Today’ programme. If anyone knows how this pointless interregnum may be reduced, I would be grateful for suggestions.

*****

For some decades now, the Japanese have been fond of t-shirts, sweatshirts and jackets embellished with slogans in scrambled English. The fashion seems to have become popular in many far eastern countries. Most of my students at the moment are from China. Today, as the students were engaged on some task for which they didn’t need me, I spent a while reading one young lady’s jacket. It said, over and over:

‘Beybey the Frinfrin’

‘And the and the octorworld of heanococter coctordoctor’

‘Bummer food careers furniture’

The quality of nonsense is not what it was, I reflected. None of this came near my favourite Japanese t-shirt slogan, ‘I love everybody, and you’re next’.

15 comments:

Juan Bernal said...

ok this might help your slow restart

go to start, click on "run" , type in msconfig, now click on the start up tab within the new window that opens. these are the programs that are starting up when you first run your computer. disable any programs you do not use or that you do not need started as soon as you turn on your pc.


as for the slowing down, there may be some registry errors, i suggest you download system care. http://download.cnet.com/Advanced-SystemCare-Free/3000-2086_4-10407614.html?tag=mncol;pop

once you have installed it run it and it will scan for any problems your pc is having and it will clean it up.

the internet problems may either be that your internet card is not updated or that your modem is not giving out connection but it is able to connect to it. visit your pc's manufacturing website, in this case google sony vaio or something and you should find the main site where you can look to see if your pc needs any updates. note that these are not windows updates, they are updates for your hardware.

hope something helps!

Sam said...

Buy a new laptop.

or reinstall the operating system if you have the Windows CD.

Vilges Suola said...

Not really the time to be buying a new laptop. I might not have the rent for December the way things are going. So it's make do and mend. Don't have the CD - it belonged to a Hungarian geek who's gone back to Gjor.

Vilges Suola said...

It's working like new at the moment. Maybe the publicity has shamed it.

Anonymous said...

I reckon it's well clogged up mate. Save EVERY important doc, photo, music file etc that you wouldn't like to lose onto discs or external hard drive, and then wipe the hard drive clean and start all over again, as suggested by Sam. I needed a geek for this, but he didn't charge much and had all the discs, and now the thing whirrs like a top, complains not at all and I am sane again. Good luck!

Vilges Suola said...

Thanks, Anon, I'll try it.

Sam said...

This time last year I thought I had no work at all and I got 4 days from no where. The Saudi's always pull through in the end. And if they don't... just think of the sanity you'll claw back from having days off!

Vilges Suola said...

Ah, now that puts a whole new light on the matter. A choice between money and sanity...

Anonymous said...

Mine displayed similar symptoms and running SpyBot on it uncovered 63 (!) counts of spyware...

Vilges Suola said...

@Anon -I suspect that it's the over-zealous virus protection that is at fault here. The long delay in booting up happens because it's checking every time I start - like spring cleaning the whole house every time you come home from work. I have put it on hold until I want it to do the cleaning, and the laptop's working like a good 'un at the moment.

Nik_TheGreek said...

If you don't want to buy a new laptop or you don't want to format it and reinstall a new OS, I would recommend running some cleaning software to fix your registry, defragment the hard drive and remove spams.
Try for example the CCleaner (very good) or registry mechanic. You don't have to pay for most of them

Vilges Suola said...

Νίκο, σ'ευχαριστώ. Προς το παρόν, δουλεύει μια χαρά. Αμα ξαναρχίσει τις μαλακίες, θ'ακολουθήσω τις συμβουλές σου.

Vilges Suola said...

Juan, thanks for the advice. Your comment got delivered int the spam folder, which is why I have only just found it.

Doomed But Cheerful! said...

I despaired at the way my laptop was going, and I re-installed XP for the nth time ... eventually, all the spybot and anti-virus nonsense, and endless windows updates pushed me towards reading a linux magazine. I installed Ubuntu ... this was just over a year ago. Everything works, and it took about 25 minutes to install. Open Office is pretty good for most things, if you are used to Word and Excel. Getting Rhythmbox to sync with my iPod took a little bit of reading about ... I wouldn't choose to go back to Windows.

Just copy all your important stuff first to a USB stick!

Vilges Suola said...

Thanks for the advice. Will check it out.

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