THIS IS NOT ME!
I've been banging on about Christers quite a bit of late, and I haven't finished yet. I know that the WBC are far from representative of all Christians, and we should be grateful for that. The kind of Christianity I was involved with as a teenager - the US-style Born Again variety as cultivated in the 1970s UK - is also far from representative, but it's the kind I know best and loathe most, so I'm about to have a go at it. There are many other branches of which I have no experience. I have a friend who was brought up among Plymouth Brethren and her description of their precepts makes the Taliban sound frivolous. Anyway, here's another diatribe.
I mentioned The Rapture earlier. The idea here is that pretty soon (it's been 'pretty soon' for quite some time now) all us Born Again, Showered in the Blood of the Lamb Christers will be assumed into Heaven, leaving the rest of you poor saps to fend for yourselves during the reign of the Antichrist. If you go here you can learn all you need to know to avoid being left behind with the unrighteous after the Rapture. The answerer of these FAQs knows God almost well enough to deputise for him, and The Lord has as many opinions, views, action plans and guidelines as any party steering committee. Let me give you a taste of what you need to be doing or avoiding in order to shape up.
Is jerking off OK? Guidelines on spanking the monkey are scant, but it seems you can probably get away with it so long as you don't think as you do it. If you fantasize, you might be committing adultery in your heart, which is every bit as bad as doing it for real, except of course there will be no possibility of unwanted pregnancy, transmission of STDs or even knowledge on the part of the object of your fantasy that you have knocked one off while thinking of him / her. That makes no never mind in God's eyes, though. Try wanking without fantasizing. Or try not wanking at all. You probably can't last either course for long, so you are stuffed - one more thing to feel guilty and grovel to God about.
What if you fear that your son is growing up a bit of a pouf, playing with barbie dolls instead of killing toy soldiers and beating up his buddies like a normal boy? 'Just calmly explain that God loved him so much that He made him a little boy—just like Jesus.' You might want to say this out of earshot of your little girl. Have an answer ready in case he gets all excited and wants to know where this little boy Jesus made him is. 'Then take him out and let him pick out a special new toy to play with—just for him.' And pray to Jesus he doesn't go for Tiny Tears or My Little Pony. If he does, ' ...this is a great time for Dad to spend some alone time with his boy doing something special. Some great and prominently [sic] male activities are fishing, hiking, hunting, building a model, cutting the grass…' Oh, please! When do these innocents get it through their skulls that butch activities (don't you just love to watch a man mowing the lawn!) won't make anybody straight if they are not already? In my experience, and that of dozens of other gay men of my acquaintance, all attempts to involve us in sports and model making and playing at fighter bombers and all that dreary stuff were doomed to frustration - we just didn't give a shit, and no fatherly or school-masterly threats and blandishments could change that.
There are no guidelines on the site for parents who are worried about a daughter growing up butch. 'Just calmly explain that God loved her so much, He made her a little girl, just like...' well, who? Thank God girls don't matter so much, huh?
Did Adam have a navel? This is classified under 'silly questions' and the writer is commendably honest here: 'There is no way to verify if he actually had one or not.' True, true. But if God made Adam from spit and clay, like, why would he have bothered with a navel, right? Duh! The question of whether or not Adam had nipples, and if so why, is not addressed. (Nor why God needed spit.) There was no immediate practical application for them, but perhaps God already knew that six thousand years later we would see the development of the velvet tit clamp as yet another fleshly temptation to be avoided on the path to heaven. Truly, God loves us.
Of course, homosexuality is top of the Born-Again God's hate list, and... oh, sod it, we won't go there again, not today.
Finally, let me give you an example of what God does like, just in case you are getting the impression he's just a curmudgeonly ole Crosspatch who's like, totally no fun! Below is a nice young man playing the sort of music it appears God can never get enough of, so start singing along now, if you know what's good for you.